He thought she had
cheated on him. It was understandable, really. Any other man would have thought
the same thing. Joseph and Mary had been engaged only for a short time. They
did not live together as husband and wife. But Mary had turned up pregnant, and
Joseph knew he was not the father. So he assumed, as any man would have, that
Mary had cheated on him.
We can only
imagine how much that must have hurt. In those days, marriage was generally a
business deal instead of a romantic affair, so we do not know whether or not
Joseph loved Mary. And we do not know if her imagined infidelity broke his
heart. But it certainly would have wounded his pride. Mary had brought shame
upon him. She made him look bad in the community. Everyone would be talking,
making unkind comments. Saying things like, “What kind of man can’t keep his
woman in line?” You know how people talk….
It was the worst
kind of betrayal. By law, Mary could have been stoned in the streets for
adultery. But Joseph was a righteous man, and he was “unwilling to expose Mary
to public disgrace.” Like the God he worshipped, Joseph was gracious. Merciful.
Kind. So he decided to break the engagement privately, perhaps making it
possible for the “other man” to “do the right thing” and “make an honest woman”
out of Mary. There was no other man, but Joseph did not know that. He was about
to blow apart a family because he believed something that was not true.
But God
intervened. God sent an angel to Joseph in a dream, with a message. “Do not be
afraid to take Mary as your wife. She has not cheated on you. She has done
nothing wrong. In fact, she has been blessed! The child she is carrying is a
gift from the Holy Spirit. Her son is the one your people have been looking
for. He is the Messiah! He will save your people from their sins.”
It was a powerful
dream. Very convincing. So, when Joseph woke up, he did what the Lord had told
him to do. He set aside his anger and took Mary as his wife. A whole family was
saved by the power of forgiveness.
If you stop and
think about it, the birth of Jesus is all about reconciliation, bringing people
together in peace. Joseph forgives Mary for what he believes is her
indiscretion. And Mary forgives Joseph (and everyone else) for believing the
worst about her. And, of course, God forgives the whole world for our sins.
That’s why Jesus was born: to heal broken relationships.
Lots of people
will tell you that Christmas is a time for family. But, for others, it is a
time for family drama. And that is exactly why some people dread Christmas.
Getting the whole family together can be such a hassle. Just dealing with
everyone’s schedules is hard enough. And then there are the different
expectations. And interesting personalities! And conflicting opinions and traditions
and dietary preferences. Not to mention in-laws, politics, and finances. When
you come to the dining room table, you’re already sitting on a powder keg of
emotion. Add a spark of ill will, jealousy or pure old indigestion … and the
explosion can level a home in minutes. Perhaps you have been there for a few of
those….
Behind the drama
are unresolved issues. Many times, we have not dealt with the past. It seems
easier to just walk away. But, like Scrooge, we may be haunted by memories.
Sometimes our
memories are sad ones. The first thing Scrooge recalls is an incredibly lonely
childhood. Unwanted by his parents, he had been sent away to boarding school
and left there, even during the holidays. But the other boys went home,
laughing and singing, and forgetting all about poor Scrooge. The only company
he had been left with was his own imagination.
In those days,
Scrooge would have loved for someone to notice him and show him any kindness.
And, suddenly, with that memory comes the stunning realization that, earlier in
the day, when someone DID show him kindness, Scrooge did not appreciate it. In
fact, he pushed people away.
He hadn’t always
been that way. Scrooge also remembered a time when he had been part of a happy,
loving surrogate family of sorts. Mr. Feeziwig had taken Scrooge under his wing
and given the young man a start in business. But the old man and his wife had
also opened their hearts to Scrooge. Their kindness and unsuppressed joy and
love of life had transformed his own miserable existence, turning him from a
lonely boy into a happy young man who had friends and even a fiancé.
Scrooge had never
intended to push them all away. But he was driven by a need to succeed. He had
thrown himself into his work and was overwhelmed by greed. He lost himself! He
lost himself and everyone he had ever cared for. Many years later, it was hard
to face the truth, but it was necessary.
When we face the
past and acknowledge unpleasant memories, bitter disappointments, and old
wounds, we can learn powerful truths about ourselves. Truths that help us to
take control of the present. We can choose how we will live today instead of
being controlled by the past.
One thing to keep
in mind, whenever we pause to look back, is that our memories are incomplete.
They can even be misleading.[i]
One of the best
Christmas presents I received as a child was a set of clothes for my Barbie
dolls that my mother had sewn by hand. Night after night, after my brother and
I had gone to bed, my mother had stayed up, cutting and sewing stylish clothes
for my dolls out of scraps of fabric left over from other projects. I was really
proud of those clothes! I thought they were beautiful! And I felt special
knowing that my mother had worked so hard to make them for me. That is my
memory of it.
What I don’t
remember, what I could not have known then, is the shame my mother felt because
my parents could not afford to buy us gifts. That is the kind of truth you only
learn when you look back and try to see things from a broader perspective. And
perspective is important.
Sometimes we
assume that the way things were for US is the way things were SUPPOSED to be.
In fact, we can be so invested in recreating the past that we even find
ourselves repeating mistakes.[ii]
But, as Matt Rawle notes in The Redemption of Scrooge, what we remember
might not be the best picture of what they SHOULD be.[iii]
And we can get very frustrated when our picture of what Christmas SHOULD be
does not measure up to what IS.[iv]
My childhood
Christmases were all about family. We had big family gatherings that lasted for
days. I thought that was how it was SUPPOSED to be, and I spent much of my 20s
fighting off depression and resentment during the holidays because, once my
brother got married, we no longer had those grand affairs.
But the thing I
realized this year is that I was letting my happy memories make me sad. Instead
of appreciating the storybook gatherings of my childhood and letting the
memories bring me joy year after year, I was using them to find fault with the
present.
When we face the
past, we are then free to forgive it. Sometimes the person in the past we need
to forgive is ourselves. And sometimes we need to forgive others. It can be
very hard to do either one.
But the best
present you can give yourself, or anyone else, is forgiveness. Bitterness,
anger, resentment … they keep you chained to the past. Forgiveness sets you
free.
An Iranian woman
was consumed with thoughts of retribution after her teenage son was murdered.[v]
But, in a dramatic turn at the gallows, literally moments before the killer was
to be executed, she made a last-minute decision to pardon the man. Now she is
free to remember her child’s life instead of focusing on his death.
Matt Swatzell had
worked a long shift at the fire department. On his way home, he fell asleep
while driving and crashed into another vehicle. A pregnant mother was killed,
and her 19-month-old daughter was injured. Instead of seeking the maximum
punishment under the law, her husband, a full-time pastor, asked for a
diminished sentence for the firefighter. The two began to meet for coffee and
conversation. Many years later, they remain friends.
Pascale Kavanagh
survived an abusive childhood, but she never thought she would ever reconnect
with her mother, the woman who had abused her. However, in 2010, her mother
suffered several strokes that left her unable to communicate or take care of
herself. With no one else to help, Kavanagh began to sit by her mother’s
bedside and read to her. Over time, the hate she had for her mother melted away
into forgiveness. And love.
Forgiveness sets
us free.
In Isaiah 11, God promises the people of
Israel a savior. Even though they had once turned against God, God chose to
forgive them. God did not hold the past against them. Instead, God gave them a
chance to repent and return to the Lord. God wanted to heal their broken
relationship. On that day, people will rejoice. There is joy in forgiveness.
There is peace in forgiveness. There is hope in forgiveness.
Jesus was born to
heal broken relationships. Perhaps that’s the gift you can give yourself or
someone you love this Christmas.
[i]
Matt Rawle. The Redemption of Scrooge. Nashville: Abingdon Press, 2016.
Loc 663 e-version.
[ii]
Rawle, 610.
[iii]
Rawle, 617.
[iv]
Rawle, 617.
[v]
The stories of Samareh Alinejad, Matt Swatzell, and Pascale Kavanagh are told
in “10 Inspiring Stories of Extreme Forgiveness” by Jane Claire Hervey, which
is published on the Reader’s Digest website at www.rd.come/true-stories/inspiring/extreme-forgiveness.
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